Do you find stories featuring undercurrents about the theoretical historic rivalry between vampires and werewolves to be redundant? Do you think that you are too smart for vampire books written for 13 year old girls? Do you think that Robert Pattinson is kind of weird looking?
TWILIGHT. You are wrong.
Now that I feel sufficiently like a 13 year old again, I am going to spend some quality time with Fairuza.
Since E.Money was in town we decided to watch a great American film called Showgirls
I don’t have much to say about it except what is said, but I would like to strike my remark about “what I learned,” and update it to:
If you meet a psycho on the street who is beating up your car and vomits on you, you should buy her a burger and let her stay in your trailer because she’s BFF material.
For some reason (supreme nerdiness, don’t say it), Star Trek is still in my head this afternoon, so I figured I would type extemporaneously on the subject while I still can.
Characterization: I am hardly familiar with the characters from this franchise, but I know bits and pieces. This movie acts sort of like an origin story that is consistent with what I know (Kirk:horndog::Rice:white), but simultaneously contradicts and/or provides an alternate story line for the future stories in the canon. It’s confusing to me head, and I know it bothers Michael enough to have mentioned it twice in the movie theater.
Peeves: In the movies, how come they always send in troops who are actually cadets in training? Is this normal? Does this happen in real life? I know we have like, the Army Reserves and stuff, but do they sends dudes from West Point to take over for tenured captains and whatnot? I mean, I don’t know anything, just seems like one of those movie conventions I’m seriously tired of. Kirk says he’ll be a captain in 3 years, and the movie comes full circle. But it’s still a steaming pile.
Science: I am bad at science. Just ask Mr. Winterscheidt, my 12th grade Physics teacher for whom I wrote the “Physics: What’s Wrong with Masters of the Universe” paper to which I refer in the video. Not only did I get a mediocre grade on the paper (was I too vested in He-Man to undermine the teachings of Gwildor? or did I just use the same bullet points as everyone else in my study group?), I also got a mediocre grade for the entire class. Not that it still bothers me or anything.
FYI, Winterscheidt: I still believe the universe is made of Music.
I authoritatively informed Michael that light doesn’t travel in space because you can’t see the stars when you are there, and he looked at me askance. Turns out it’s sound that doesn’t travel in space, and you just can’t see the stars because they’re too flipping far away, obscured by the powerful light of the sun and Earth and junk like that. According to that internet, light travels faster in a vacuum (you know, like outer space), and so then I thought - well, maybe I will use this factoid to explain away the copious lens flares.
SNL: The clip I mention:
Enjoy.
e/b
In a world. Where everything is predictable. Where horror movies are always vampires or aliens or high school. Where creature creation overshadows story or denies subtlety…
The Legacy
We heard that Battlefield Earth was bad, but we wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Besides, maybe we could be the two people on the planet who actually enjoyed this film, right? Right?!
Well.
It’s so awful that we’re not even going to post an Amazon link, because you know you don’t want to buy it. Without further ado, we humbly give to you our review of the film that won eight Razzie awards, Battlefield Earth: The Saga of the Year 3000 (yes, that’s the official title).
Recently, Michael and I have been watching really terrible movies like Sharks in Venice
We liked it. Can you tell?
A long time ago we watched Police Academy Four: Citizens on Patrol
Citizens on Patrol, 1987
This is by far the best PA movie. I’m not sure whether I feel that way because it’s the one I have seen the most often, or because the franchise finally hit its stride. I won’t say this episode is subtle or nuanced in any way, but it does what it does, and it does it well. The whole series is based on misfits-as-crimestoppers - and PA 4 introduces some new misfits to love, including Sweetchuck, Mrs. Feldman and (how could I forget) the badath skateboarding David Spade.
There is (slightly) less overt racism and sexism, and thank God Captain Mauser is out of the picture.
In addition, Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait) gets to have a love affair, Hightower dresses as a voodoo doctor (or something? “yamma yamma yamma yaaaammah”), and both the Blue Oyster Bar and Steve Guttenberg make their final appearances. Plus, semi-legitimate actress Sharon Stone stars as the formulaic, plucky journalist /slash/ Mahoney-girl.
This movie scores bonus points because it was released on my fifth birthday.
Assignment Miami Beach, 1989
This was supremely disappointing. Rene Auberjonois as the jewel thief is one of the most irritating performances I may have ever seen, and the introduction of Cmdnt. Lassard’s nephew (Guttenberg’s replacement in subsequent films) is completely absurd. This is really unfortunate, but Matt McCoy! Steve Guttenberg you are not! The only endearing part is Lassard’s playfulness in doing his kidnappers’ bidding.
As if the other episodes weren’t poorly written enough, PA 5 throws all attempts at plot by the wayside and goes instead of a series of middle-school style, talent show skit gags. Look at that guy, he got “DORK” sunburned into his chest. Oh, look at that guy, his hat’s on fire. It’s not even that it was bad necessarily, it was just sad.
We still have movies six and seven to watch. As soon as Michael gets over his Gilmore Girls phase, we’ll get back to them. And you.
Over the weekend I went with our friend Jacob to see the new movie, Watchmen. Just so you all know, I had no knowledge of the characters or story before going into the theater so you’re not gonna get any fanboy swoonings or whinings here. This will be just what you’ve come to expect from me: an honest review from a guy with questionable taste in movies.
Every time I tell someone that I saw the movie they ask what I thought, and honestly, I still haven’t completely made up my mind. Let’s do a pro and con list to decide.
PRO: First off, I’m a total sucker for alternate histories so the Nixon-led cold war 80s setting really grabbed me. Tie this in with what I thought was a very well done and playfully violent opening title sequence telling the history of the group and I had a very good feeling. I thought it would be 2 hours and 45 minutes of Zack Snyder kicking my ass. That’s not what happened, but I had some excited warm fuzzies for a little while.
CON: I was very conscious of the music during the film, which means that for me it wasn’t good. I’ve talked to a lot of people about this, and apparently some of it was called for in the graphic novel. However, having “99 Luftballons” completely overtake a scene was abrupt and insultingly heavy-handed.
PRO and CON: The characters were, for the most part, genuinely interesting, and the story kept a good pace, making me completely forget that the movie was so long.The story often found ways to dig into the past and let us know more about the histories of the characters. The Dr. Manhattan origin story was really one of the best superhero origins I’d seen on film, but trying this with some of the other characters left me struggling to remember what was actually going on in the plot. Straying so much might have done a lot to make readers of the comic squeal as they wet their pants in joy, but I think that in a movie it could have been handled better. Rorschach’s story was fuckin’ harsh, though. It was awesome.
PROish: This isn’t really something I personally enjoyed about the movie, but Jacob saw three guys get up and leave the theater when they saw Dr. Manhattan’s wang for the first time. Actually, when that happens you see four of his wangs, and on a theater screen it’s a real facefull.
For me, I think that the Pantone 298 is really just funny, and I’m sorry those other guys couldn’t appreciate a joke, whether it was intentional or not. But while we’re on the subject of nudity…
CON: I definitely appreciate nudity in film, and in most cases I say pile it on, but in the Silk Spectre/Night Owl love scene it’s gratuitous and creepy. Combine the fact that it lasts too long, dwells on Patrick Wilson’s thrusting ass, and is set to Leonard Cohen singing “Hallelujah” and you might be able to see where I’m coming from. Not even the hotness of a totally naked Malin Akerman made it worthwhile. I just wanted it to stop.
Alright, thinking back on the film it was a bit scattered, but I guess I liked it overall. It was well done, well shot, disgustingly pretty, and certainly entertaining. And if anyone’s worried about seeing it because they don’t like comic books, you should know that I think the story would work whether or not the characters are in costume. Try it out, maybe you’ll be able to figure out how you feel about it better than I could.
A few kids came over this weekend for a movie screening and review. During the film selection process, Dave plopped down a box-set of Police Academies 1-7, which I instantly fell in love with. Unfortunately none of these comedic gems were chosen as the film du jour, but Michael and I have had fun with them since…
Michael watched 1 and 2, I watched the end of 2 and we both watched 3. As with most 80s movies I haven’t seen in many years, I realize what idiots most children are. Or at least, what an idiot I was… since I missed all the gags in those movies. Only the very pointed ones got through to me - that Hightower is gigantic and people are afraid of him, that Bobcat Golthwait is completely insane, that Commandant Lassard is a huge idiot, etc. (photo courtesy Dave also.)
Considering that the films weren’t “good” to start with, they certainly hold up. The plots are not complex, so there are few plot holes. The characters, despite being present in a full-on movie franchise, are pretty superficial, so you don’t really worry too much about characterization. (Although, if I were still in school, I would totally try to write a paper about racism and exploitation of African Americans in this franchise, particularly as it relates to the characters Hightower and Hooks, and try desperately not to get sidetracked by the subjectivication of women that is omnipresent also.)
So anyways. They are short and to the point – not much more effort than watching a one-hour TV drama. Everything wraps up neatly and with much sexual tension, er, harassment. A good time is had by all. Except the bad guys, natch.
If anything changes in films four through seven, I will be sure to report back. I’m particularly excited about 4, Citizens On Patrol - the last one that features Guttenberg. Unless he stars/directs the 8th one of course…
Mumford
Sorry too for the lateness in our posting. We are back from New Orleans, partially recovered both from our trip and our first days back at work. Womp.
Enjoy the video!
EDIT: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS A SPOILER (like most of our reviews) but it’s a really big one. So if you want to like, watch the movie, watch it first. THEN watch the review. You should just watch it. It’s cute.-eb
